Outside the Pigeon Holes

                                                     (image from: http://farm4.static.flickr.com) The other day I was driving home from work and having a very familiar battle with 'the voices' (the ones of doubt and fear that plague me and rarely let me rest in where I am). They were again nagging me, second guessing me, my life, my choices, etc. Then I got the feeling that I needed to just let the words flow rather than resist and battle each one (as I usually do). So I stopped fighting and just 'stood'. The flow of thoughts washed over me and I began to relax. A vision began to appear in my head. I was standing up, facing a huge dragon. The words were coming from his mouth in the form of the fire that he breathed. I stayed there facing him. I let the fears and ac...

After stepping out I still find that it is safer to keep my 'faith-digging' to myself. Relationships are more important to me than arguing and risking the feeling that A) I become a spiritual charity case B) I will lose more friends over it. LOVE WINS. Period. That's all I' m gonna say except to my Papa (who knows my heart), my man, and my girls.

A recent facebook convo allowed me a chance to articulate my view of the Bible: This may get me reamed, but here goes: Kris Vallaton once said: "You could destroy all the Bibles on the planet and not destroy the word of God." The 'word of God' (if you mean Scripture) has been rewritten a number of times during its course of translation from the original texts. All of us interpret the words we read according to our faith traditions and personal walk with Jesus Christ. To an extent, we rely on human scholarship under the wisdom and guidance of the Holy Spirit in the transcribing of the original texts. The Jewish people (of which Jesus is) rely not only on the written word, but also the Talmud which is a collection of discussions and interpretations of the written word by Jewish rabbis. We do the same as Christians when we choose who we 'sit under' for teaching and understanding of the Holy Scriptures. To simplify it to "it says it, therefore it is, we...

There's a place that I love to run and play There's a place that I sing new songs of praise Dancin' with my Father God in fields of grace There's a place that I lose myself within There's a place that I find myself again Dancin' with my Father God in fields of grace There's a place where religion finally dies There's a place that I lose my selfish pride Dancin’ with my Father God in fields of grace I love my Father, my Father loves me I dance for my Father, my Father sings over me And nothing can take that away from me -Big Daddy Weave It is amazing the lightness of spirit I feel when I am able to break off from the pursuit of living up to mainline Christian ideals. That's not to say I completely disagree with them. I am just letting myself not really care whether or not I please ...

I was nervous about praying at Shiloh...I didn't feel worthy. So I did it anyway. The Holy Spirit said "Whatever - open your mouth and say what comes to you". It was good. I got weepy. Then I was asked afterward to join in on a prayer with a guy who wanted to be healed of addiction. It was also good. I want to invite him to have a Sozo. Love Wins!

It's crazy how many times a day it happens and how 'natural' it seems to entertain the 'voices' of the mafia (see, even there it was a struggle just to leave that sentence say 'voices' because I started traveling down a path which worried that people might think I am hearing audible voices when 'voice' is refering to thoughts, not exterior voices. I did put the word in quotes though to indicate the figurative way I was using the word...Is that a compromise I should avoid in the future? :) ).... Just about everything I think or do is run through an internal approval system. It's very efficient because if I wasn't paying attention I wouldn't have noticed, that's how engrained it is. At least 5 times in the last 24 hour period I have had to stop and remind myself of my freedom. It will be interesting to learn the difference between a healthy 'stop and think before you act' (I am guessing that for everyday decisions this is ...

This idea has been bubbling around in my head for quite sometime - probably since a prayer dude at VCC said to me years ago "You need to truly experience grace" when I told him of how I often get rule-bound. I have hedged toward this when I renamed my blog "Renegade, reports from the road of grace" and in becoming less afraid to voice things that I think that might go against the grain of my evangelical Christian background. There are lots of Christian books about 'living free' that are great, I love folks like Beth Moore. She has some great studies on getting free, but in the end if I was honest, I'd say it usually ends with me thinking 'this is a lot of work for something that is supposedly FREE because it was paid for in advance by God. Inspired now by this book: I am going to practice sort of the opposite - I am going to buck the system. I am going to live how I might if I had not been indoctrinated as a child into the rules of churchitud...

At my Monday group this past week someone mentioned that the reason children were sensitive to things in the spiritual realm (angels, etc) was because they were 'pure'....I was thinking about that today and wondered what exactly that meant since I thought I was to believe that we're born into original sin and therefore no one is actually pure until they accept Jesus. And if kids are pure, how long are they 'pure?' What makes them 'impure'? Is there a magic age at which no matter what they have done they are suddenly considered impure? (I suppose the Jewish age of accountability at thirteen being an example). I have also heard the ridiculous notion that when a child first disobeys their parents (picking up the glass when told not to sort of thing) they have sinned...So, if that is true, then I guess that child would then be defiled and thus less sensitive to things in the spiritual realm....Seems really complicated. So as I was driving home today I was thinki...

Most folks who know me eventually learn that I struggle with what I call "Spaghetti head". It's an anxiety disorder (maybe OCD, maybe Generalized Anxiety Disorder. Who knows what)...Whatever its clinical term, it can be miserable in my brain at times and tends to act up when I am under stress or at um, certain times of the month. Since I just finished a days long bout I have it fresh in my mind so I can maybe help folks understand why I sometimes have to avoid things that I know might trigger one of these episodes. Here is an excerpt of my thought process from a simple decision about grocery shopping. It's amusing looking back on it. But when it is going on and has to do with issues of more substance it can be exhausting. I need to go to the grocery store. I will go to Kroger. But maybe I should go to Biggs because a couple of times I felt led to go to Biggs and cool stuff happened. I really prefer Kroger. But maybe God likes Biggs better. I should always ...

"Every long lost dream led me to where you are Others who broke my heart, they were like northern stars..." The scars are worth what I have found at the end of the broken road. Our God, He is good.

This is something that I have always believed to be a possibility. Despite what my upbringing in evangelical Christian circles has taught me. Despite the idea we all have of perfect justice that punishes the wicked for their heinous deeds. Despite the popular idea that when you die you're SOL if you haven't signed off on your one way ticket to Heaven by accepting Jesus as your personal Lord and Savior. Deep down I have always wondered just how far the love of God will go. If I am to believe that God is all knowing and all powerful, and that His will is for no person to perish, and that according to the Bible, in the end, God's will shall prevail, how can I dismiss the possibility that God would reach into the eternal and rescue ALL of His kids? I've never been one to swallow what I am told without question. In fact many know me to press the envelope and question even what Scripture says. I have never been of the camp that takes every word in the Bible as my author...

Well, I'm not a movie star (yet) but I'm aiming to act like one...I am getting plastic surgery! On February 3rd I will go in for a tummy tuck, rhinoplasty (maybe something MJ), and hell, I think I'll finally dye my hair blond, too! Not fooling anyone am I? Ok, just having this pesky mole removed from my chin. Yay! I already like the doctor. Here was the conversation we had at the end of the consult: ME: About how much will this cost? HIM: You don't have insurance? ME: I have it but it won't be covered since it's elective surgery. There's nothing wrong with the mole. HIM: Well, these things can become cancerous. ME: I have had it looked at a couple of times, they all say it's not anything worry about. HIM: Hm. Well, I disagree. ME: You rock. HIM: I'm the man.

This was in response to Reverb (my Brother from another mother's Blog) - I have just recently begun to take the word 'worship' out of the prison of church land...I now understand that to simply live is worship. I'm probably a day late and dollar short in getting this...But I am sometimes slow... It isn't about getting worked up in the Spirit or raising my hands, or going to some special place to do it...These are activities that I do with my community of faith (or even alone) in a concentrated manner of focus on God. These things are good. These things are fun, I love these things. But they are only one aspect - a formal aspect of 'worship'. And the best worship IMHO cannot be planned or forced. It is not a 'should', it is not something that if we don't work it into our schedule we are somehow shorting God...The best worship I think happens when we don't even realize it...In laughing with friends. In eating a good meal. In slow dancing w...

Watchful, yes...But I refuse to worry...The enemy wants nothing more than for the people of God to be in a state of fear over politics or any other pattern of this world. We are dual citizens RIGHT NOW of Earth (where we have been given reign) and Heaven where we are welcome at all times in the spiritual realm. Papa's storehouses of hope, wisdom, grace and most importantly Agape love are free for the taking to fill up on and pour out. Go get it, brothers and sisters and experience the change in perspective from up there!

Jesus says to come to Him like children...The basic sentiment of this song speaks to that innocent quality and genuine faith that I so often see in the kids I work with and that sometimes rises up in me only to get quickly dashed by 'reality'... Don't Let the World Step on Your Soul (Todd Schroeder, Ron Miller) My God, how new you are Still untouched by time You're breathing every dream Hang on to who you are Create your own design 'Cause dreamers must run to extremes Hey, little one, I can tell your an easy believer And you cry at the sunset While the rest of the tribe calls you fool Your mind will eat humble pie While your hungry heart chokes on the rules But, baby, don't let the world step on your soul. Hey, little one, I can tell you're a new generation in the scheme of creation 'Cause you care about people and pain While all the wheelers and dealers And the prime-timers call you insane But, baby don't let the world step...

I'm seriously not. These are my strengths: Input Communication Harmony Intellection WOO Note that LEADER is not in there anywhere...Nor do I think it would pop up anywhere in the next 3 of my top strengths. But I think that because I am an extrovert and generally not afraid of being up in front of people I am mistaken for a leader. I have mistaken me for one and usually end up over my head and completely ill-equipped to do whatever it is that leaders do...I'm not saying this as a self-slam....Only a self-realization. I seem to always want to lead something...I come up with ideas and visions, etc. And then get overwhelmed by all that is entailed in making that happen and all of that stuff goes way above and beyond any of my gifting. Now, I can lead circle time at school, I can lead a scene in improv, I can sing lead for a band, I can lead a Sozo session. But I'm not convinced that kind of leading is the same as true leadership. That's just strong teaching/act...

Morphing happens to one's goal/dream list as life catapults its way toward one's destiny (mine is Heaven, guaranteed!). Was thinking about mine recently and realized I have met some of them and am getting closer to others and have added some things and removed some things. In no particular order (crossed out = YAY!) 1. Visit Australia 2. Visit St. Croix 3. Teach Sozo 4. Have one week without worry (removed - need a lobotomy first) 5. Grow to a point of complete trust in my salvation 6. Meet a man I can love and TRUST 7. Cut a CD 8. Sing on the VWS Praise Team (removed) 9. Go horseback riding again 10. Knit something ridiculously cool 11. Visit Best Friends Animal Sanctuary in Utah 12. Meet the remaining favorite celebs that I have on my list. 13. See certain loved ones get set free and/or find Christ 14. Sing with David Phelps (even if it's just "Happy Birthday"!). 15. Spend time with Father God, Jesus and Holy Spirit everyday and cu...

It's like I have fought my way through a party full of loud people to finally push through a door to reach a place of quiet. I wouldn't trade attending the party, but it's sure nice to be where I am. I think of the lyrics to the song "Home" from The Wiz . I 'get' Dorothy and her journey in a way that I never have before... Suddenly my world has changed its face But I still know where I'm going I have had my mind spun around in space And yet I've watched it growing If you're list'ning God Please don't make it hard to know If we should believe the things that we see Tell us, should we run away Should we try and stay Or would it be better just to let things be? Living here, in this brand new world Might be a fantasy But it taught me to love So it's real, real to me And I've learned That we must look inside our hearts To find a world full of love Like yours Like mine Like home...

If following my heart makes me a fool, then I'm a fool. Because my heart led me to seek Jesus. My heart tells me to love the unlovable and my heart tells me to risk the pain to find something deeper. Wisdom as it is so often understood has failed me more than my heart and has often imprisoned me in a cage if fear. Perhaps the wise thing is to let the heart and wisdom be intertwined, for God created both and placed them inside of us on purpose. Do they have to be enemies?

Was writing a note to a good friend tonight and ended up rambling some thoughts that seemed like they might make a good blog...So since it has been a while...Here they are...Probably just the same stuff I always say with different words...What can I say? I'm a simple person... :) I'm done with subscribing to any one kind of expression of faith in Jesus...Every move of God ever has been quickly tied down into religion. Even in the subtlest of forms. Something cool happens and it gets bottled, given a name, touted as the missing piece to perfect worship and doing of God stuff, anything prior is pashawed as inferior. I do it, I see every church/movement/denomonation I have ever seen do it....Everyone thinks their way is the best...And maybe I am learning that Jesus loves ALL of it. That he shows up where He is invited by a sincere heart. There doesn't have to be factions and division. It's pride (and I am guilty of it) that kills the heart of love. And I'm sick to de...