Outside the Pigeon Holes

It wouldn't have been my first pick for things to do with my summer break, but duty called. America may be flawed (what country isn't??) but I would not want to live anywhere else, so I don't mind being summoned to serve my time in the courts of the US. I was apprehensive about the way it would go. It seemed big and scary (and darn it, I don't want to get up early in the summer!). Now that I am on day two, I am finding that as long as ya have enough stuff to do, it's not a bad gig. At least so far...And BONUS - my friend and sister in Christ, Theresa also has jury duty!! I figured I would chronicle my time for memory's sake and in case any of the thousands of readers of my blog (ha!) ever wondered what it was like. Sorry, I can't give any details of cases that I may hear, but I can share about my experiences in the pool! Day 1 - Monday 8:00am - I hate driving and parking downtown! But I was able to find a lot next door for $7. I decided against my...

There's a line of thought among Christians that we are just 'passing through' this world and that our real home is Heaven...I used to believe this, too, although deep down I knew I loved this life and loved earth (in spite of the troubles that happen in this life). I no longer live this way or believe this way. In response to a blog post I read recently I was able to articulate my beliefs on this... I   believe that Earth is my home, and that God created me to live here in relationship with Him and in community with others, honoring them and creation. I believe that Jesus' work on the cross freed me from (among other things) religious strictures that placed man's ideas of how to be close to God with a recalibration of God's original intention (direct relationship with Him)...I don't believe that my focus should be on what happens after I 'pass through' this life (and yes, I do also believe that people go to heaven when they die). I believe that I ...

"I hold in my arms the best little Maltese that ever lived...Rest in peace my sweet Bentley B. I love you." Posted as I held Bentley after he was helped to the Bridge. What a sweet, sweet, boy he was and how much I will miss him...After all of it I think for a while I will even miss his annoying medication times twice a day...I will miss his occasional nights of hacking...And I will always miss and remember that cute face, with the best underbite ever.  God, I wish I could have him back for another day. That little dog taught me that no matter how much life can suck, it's important to stay upbeat...He would have a terrible coughing fit courtesy of that evil heart disease and then when he was done, up went his curly cue tail and he was off to see what fun could be found. When the tail was down for more than a little while you knew he was really not feeling well...And he bounced back so many times when I thought it was the end. Finally it became too much and my littl...

Yesterday I went to see my favorite head shrinker...I have known Dr. V for about 10 years. He rescued me from the craziness that is my brain by prescribing medication to me. I trust this guy. I don;t care that he isn't an outward Christian (I really have no idea what his faith is, but he does respect mine and speaks with me about it often). I just love Dr. V and I believe that God placed him in my life when I needed him. Yesterday he told me that the hypervigilance that I an experiencing right now is completely  understandable. Hypervigilance is: A n enhanced state of sensory sensitivity accompanied by an exaggerated intensity of behaviors whose purpose is to detect threats. Hyper vigilance is also accompanied by a state of increased anxiety which can cause exhaustion.  The way this plays out for me is that I am in an almost constant state of fear that everything I hold dear is threatened and/or will be taken from me. I fear that my friends are mad at me, think ill of me...

I am in a wonderful, scary, being stretched place right now...It is all about trusting my Heavenly Father and Jesus and the Holy Spirit in ways that I never have. See, I used to have lots of rules and shoulds and shouldn'ts and a well crafted life plans that kept me in this false sense of self-security. In the last 24 months so many things have come in to turn those things upside down to make me look at them in a new way. It's like taking off the float-a-floats and swimming in the deep end. At first I thought I must be under attack from the enemy - and in some ways I was - mostly in the lies that came to mind about who I am and that God was out to mess me up or trick me. But now I am beginning to see Like being in the middle of chaos all around and God walking in front of me as things crumble around me saying 'look here...Focus...Focus....Eyes on me...Put down the play book and trust me completely no matter what things look like around you...' My theology is being mes...

I am coming to a place where I think that maybe God doesn't have one single thing that he wants for me to do...I mean, maybe he does for some. I believe he has plans for us, but I don't know if it's a spelled out destiny with some big job to do. I am coming to believe that maybe He created me with the purpose of letting me be me, making choices and flowing in the gifts He has placed in me. Yes, He wants to see me do wonderful things. And perhaps there's a 'right track' in some form or another that He leads me toward (whether that is a career path or a relationship, or a geographical location)...But the important thing is that I do everything from a place of love...And in that I can accomplish great things or small things, but when done from that place, from the heart of Christ, everything is worth doing. I am starting to believe that maybe the idea that we have been sold in Christian books and teachings is that each of us has to have some BIG THING to do. And ...

http://affirmativethinking.files.wordpress.com/2009/04/freedom1.jpg I am finding that the more I believe Papa's version of who I am, simply trust Papa in His love for me, and the more I simply live, that the junk I used to carry seems to simply fall away. There really is peace that surpasses understanding! Thank you, Jesus!

Well, I'm not a movie star (yet) but I'm aiming to act like one...I am getting plastic surgery! On February 3rd I will go in for a tummy tuck, rhinoplasty (maybe something MJ), and hell, I think I'll finally dye my hair blond, too! Not fooling anyone am I? Ok, just having this pesky mole removed from my chin. Yay! I already like the doctor. Here was the conversation we had at the end of the consult: ME: About how much will this cost? HIM: You don't have insurance? ME: I have it but it won't be covered since it's elective surgery. There's nothing wrong with the mole. HIM: Well, these things can become cancerous. ME: I have had it looked at a couple of times, they all say it's not anything worry about. HIM: Hm. Well, I disagree. ME: You rock. HIM: I'm the man.

I'm seriously not. These are my strengths: Input Communication Harmony Intellection WOO Note that LEADER is not in there anywhere...Nor do I think it would pop up anywhere in the next 3 of my top strengths. But I think that because I am an extrovert and generally not afraid of being up in front of people I am mistaken for a leader. I have mistaken me for one and usually end up over my head and completely ill-equipped to do whatever it is that leaders do...I'm not saying this as a self-slam....Only a self-realization. I seem to always want to lead something...I come up with ideas and visions, etc. And then get overwhelmed by all that is entailed in making that happen and all of that stuff goes way above and beyond any of my gifting. Now, I can lead circle time at school, I can lead a scene in improv, I can sing lead for a band, I can lead a Sozo session. But I'm not convinced that kind of leading is the same as true leadership. That's just strong teaching/act...

Morphing happens to one's goal/dream list as life catapults its way toward one's destiny (mine is Heaven, guaranteed!). Was thinking about mine recently and realized I have met some of them and am getting closer to others and have added some things and removed some things. In no particular order (crossed out = YAY!) 1. Visit Australia 2. Visit St. Croix 3. Teach Sozo 4. Have one week without worry (removed - need a lobotomy first) 5. Grow to a point of complete trust in my salvation 6. Meet a man I can love and TRUST 7. Cut a CD 8. Sing on the VWS Praise Team (removed) 9. Go horseback riding again 10. Knit something ridiculously cool 11. Visit Best Friends Animal Sanctuary in Utah 12. Meet the remaining favorite celebs that I have on my list. 13. See certain loved ones get set free and/or find Christ 14. Sing with David Phelps (even if it's just "Happy Birthday"!). 15. Spend time with Father God, Jesus and Holy Spirit everyday and cu...

Someone asked me today if I thought I was one of the 'good singers' at karaoke and if I would sing to him if he called me (uh...NO)...I figured I'd let him decide if I was a good singer or not since that's a matter of opinion. So I created the following video just for kicks using a track I recorded a few years ago at my friend's studio. I originally planned to use random photos from my collection just to have something to look at while the song played. But of course, I got carried away and invested a few hours into improvising something that had meaning. This is the result. Thanks, Chuck for being the catalyst! LOL!

As I adjust to life on my own I am experiencing some crazy ups and downs. Which I guess is normal. But today I feel called to finally lay down what has happened over the last few years so that its damage will not affect what God has in store for my life on all fronts. When you're married, you're locked into a particular mindset - an idea of the future. And even though it might not be what it should be, it does provide some amount of stability. So when that old, comfortable rug (no matter how bad its condition) is pulled out from under your feet, it turns even the familiar on its end. Through God's divine grace, I have been returned to where I started when this all began. My mom lives in the apartment below, I am single and enjoying the adventure thereof, I have the perfect job. Do-overs are a blessing. However, it is also impossible to pretend that I am the same person I was then. Because there's this span of time that happened. Years given to another person. I was...

These have been sitting in my Bible since I wrote them down sometime in the winter. I'm finally getting around to journaling them. currently, these are my lifetime dreams and goals which could obviously change or morph over time... In no particular order: 1. Visit Australia 2. Visit St. Croix 3. Teach Sozo 4. Have one week without worry 5. Grow to a point of complete trust in my salvation 6. Meet a man I can love and TRUST 7. Cut a CD 8. Sing on the VWS Praise Team 9. Go horseback riding again 10. Knit something ridiculously cool 11. Visit Best Friends Animal Sanctuary in Utah 12. Meet the remaining favorite celebs that I have on my list. 13. See certain loved ones get set free and/or find Christ 14. Sing with David Phelps (even if it's just "Happy Birthday"!). 15. Spend time with Father God, Jesus and Holy Spirit everyday and cultivate such a relationship with them that the supernatural is natural. 16 . Get rid of all religious lies ...

I was reading my Bible last night (Message Version) and this was what I stumbled upon: "Jesus said, 'no procrastination. No backward looks. You can't put God's Kingdom off til tomorrow. SEIZE THE DAY '" - Luke 9:62 Woohoo!

Funny how when you step out of comfort zones you get...well...uncomfortable! Saturday and Sunday were kinda weird...I worried alot. I second guessed a lot...I imagine I'll have lot of that until I get my full grown Eagle's wings... :) Saturday I saw my girlies at Zen and Now...Theresa and Tracy played "Guido" and got the decree signed for me because I didn't really feel like dealing with the ex - we always end up arguing. I hate that...Harmony is one of my top 5 strengths. Disharmony eats away at me. And I'm not in a place where I can yet let go of my irritation. Planning to maybe take care of that tonight at Monday group - a little clean-up mini-sozo - offering up forgiveness in the presence of supportive friends. Hopefully one day we'll have peace with each other. We're both good people at heart. We just aren't good together. I took the puppers to the dog park yesterday afternoon. Sometimes I forget to appreciate them. They are such blessings...I...

It all began Friday night. My friend Jim was playing piano at The Syndicate. I had a couple of friends who were going to go with me to see him. But they were called away by cleaning duty at home. So I was left wondering if I should journey down to the piano bar alone. That's when Paul said: "Carpe Diem...You should go". ...So I did. And had a wonderful evening. Jim played at this huge white Grand Piano which made me think of my beloved Barry Manilow. :) He was taking requests so I asked for "Desperado". I love that song and it brings back a wonderful memory I have of riding in a convertible with Allen across the California desert back in the 90s. Following that someone (not me, I swear!) requested "Mandy" by Barry Manilow. So Jim sang that one and then went right into another Manilow tune "Could it be Magic" - one of my favorites. I listened to the music while writing a letter to Gina - my oldest and dearest friend. I also talked to Jesus for...

A friend of mine said this to me last night and I don't think he realized when he said it that it would become something so meaningful. I am going to take the rest of the summer to walk out this concept of seizing the day. I have lived a life of fear and in recent years God has been ridding me of it. I have stepped into things that I never would have before without analyzing and hyper-spiritualizing it to the point of paralysis. What I have learned quite clearly in recent days is that you can follow all the 'rules' and the 'they says' and still end up flat on your ass. So I have been taking the bull by the horns a lot more than I used to and it has been great! I have scraped my knees a few times and taken a horn in the gut more than once. But it beats sitting on the sidelines worrying. I used to think that living life this way was ungodly...I mean, what if you make a mistake? What if you do something bad? What if...What if...What if..? Well, WHAT IF??? What if God...

One reason that I hesitate to get a tattoo is that as much as I change my blog layout and my desktop background, I think I'd also want to change my skin art! I still haven't found a layout that I truly like and the instructions on how to add a custom layout from another source is confusing. I'm certain I would screw it up and be forever lost in template hell. Therefore, I am limited to the blogger templates - which are ok and are customizable to some extent. So that's a happy thing. Anyway - here's the new look...And a new name. Renegade is a name given to me by Denise (aka Radar), my friend and cohort in hell-gate storming. It came from my saying something about preventing renegade prayer scheduling. :) I thought it made for a good blog title...So there ya have it... Helen Ann Renegade for Grace

This is Officer Brown of District 3...He came to take prints off the door at Denny's music store which was robbed last night. They broke out the window of the back door, took about $3,000 worth of merchandise and $1500 cash. Yeah - there used to be guitars on those stands. The up side is they didn't take all of the higher-end stuff. It looked like a smash and grab kind of job. Officer Brown was really cool. He told us while we watched him fingerprint that fingerprinting is about the only thing they do on CSI that is realistic. He said they get phone calls from people saying stuff like "I watch CSI I know you guys can take someone's eye out and see what they stole last! I know you can!" Always good to have laughter in the midst of suckiness...

There was this movie we used to watch in elementary school every year called "The Red Balloon". It's about a boy who has a connection with a red balloon that is his dear friend. He takes the balloon everywhere. He even tries to take it to school but the teachers put it outside. The balloon waits beside the school's doors for the boy to come out at the end of the day. It's a sweet relationship. Then comes the day when the bully kids try to take the red balloon. It escapes and returns to the boy. So the bullies chase the boy and corner him and the balloon outside of the town. They throw stones at the balloon. The balloon deflates and essentially "dies". The boy is left sitting there with the remains of the balloon, probably wondering who now he would connect with. Suddenly, balloons from everywhere desert their places at festivals and parties and such. They all find the boy and descend upon him. He looks up and finds himself surrounded by all of these ...