Outside the Pigeon Holes

I refuse to be left out of it. Somehow, some way I am going to figure out how someone who struggles with scrupulosity can have/use any of the gifts at anytime that the Holy Spirit decides to pour them out. I ain't gettin' in the back seat! No sireee bob!

Christmas was very nice ovr all. The morning started out badly. I was frustrated with myself for not having gotten Denny much for Christmas. So I was there trying to download MP3 Files from the Glenn Beck website to burn onto a disk. First, I had to download each file individually...There were close to 40 of them. After going through that, I was unable to burn them to a disc. So I decided to pull down some pics of GB and put them in cards that said "You have access to MP3 files of..." I was also battling the dreaded obsessive thinking around God stuff. So finally I just threw my hands up and said "WHATEVER!" and I wanted to just chuck all of this deeper walk stuff out the window and find a quiet little social club church to attend on Sundays. Be safe and quiet and stop trying to distinguish the voices in my head. Just assume that anything I hear in my head is just my own imagination. Actually, part of me still thinks that is the way to go. Trust that God will throw...

Anyone who knows me knows that I am completely convinced that I have a mild form of Autism...Ok, really it's OCD. But I discovered the similarities between the two during the years I worked with special needs kids. I understood those kids really well. I am rule-bound, anxious and hypervigilant. When my safe little world gets rocked, I have a meltdown. Maybe I don't always kick and scream, but my mind spins like a cyclone. Even when I know deep down that rules aren't life, they make me feel safe. I like to feel safe. Sitting through the message at VWS today about how we heal our community by chucking the "rules" was a challenge for me. Red flags began waving in my safety zones and I feared that my lovely VWS was subscribing to some new age, its-all-good-as-long-as-we're nice-to-each-other theology. God doesn't call us to be moral? Someone can be Buddhist and find God? You don't have to convert to Christianity to go to Heaven?? ???!!!! Tim said he wanted...

My top spiritual gift according to my Excavation classwork is Faith. So it stands to reason that this is right where the enemy throws down his stumbling block when he wants to interfere. Where I struggle the most in my 25 year walk with the Lord is seperating myself from toxic beliefs and lies that are lodged into my head about the nature of God and His love for me. While I could probably never remember all of the things that roll around in the recesses of my mind, I can pinpoint some of them. -Critical voices from my childhood that taught me no matter what I did it could be done better. -People in a "spirit-filled" church who represented Christ by alienating my mom after she and my dad divorced. -A friend attending Bible College who told me a story about God burning 2 people up on the street for failing to do the mission He sent them on. - A well-meaning friend who told me when my marriage was wrecked by my husband's addiction that "it...

This is why I love The Vineyard! :) Outward Focused Thought by Dave Workman If in our churches we say “come as you are”, it's going to get messy. Really messy. I always find it interesting when someone gets mad about something at the Vineyard and tells me we should be more like the New Testament church, as if that was some idyllic time in Church history and the apostles were super-dudes. My answer is “Which New Testament church do you want to be like?—the Corinthians had guys having sex every which way you can, suing each other and getting drunk at church potlucks. People in the Thessalonian churches were quitting their jobs and sitting around waiting for Jesus to return. Folks in the Colossian church were worshipping angels and beating themselves to prove how holy they were. In Galatia they were turning into legalists and racists. So which New Testament church you want to be like?” Every church has issues to deal with. Pastors often have people come from other churches, and some...

Today's Psalm - 39 which begins: I said, "I will watch my ways and keep my tongue from sin; I will put a muzzle on my mouth as long as the wicked are in my presence." Timely and appropriate for some recent interpersonal dealings. I am starting each day with a Psalm. I read it outloud to the fuzzies. It's good bonding time and a good way to get my head in gear for the adventures of the day. Last night's Alpha was neat. It was about why Jesus died. Lee played excerpts from The Passion. And then he gave a scripture and pointed out a verse which added to my continuing clarification of just what the cross is really about. He quoted Hebrews 12:2... 2 Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. As soon as he read it, tears came to my eyes because I internalized what it is saying...The "joy set b...

Since I am living a day at a time now, I want to try to keep up with some sort of daily wrap up...or at least weekly...Or monthly...or something...You know how these things go. It was indeed God's voice that whispered to me when I was running errands a couple of weeks ago. I was worried about finding a job and thinking that while I really desired my job with the county back I believed it was time for me to realize that at least for this year, that would not be a possibility. Then I heard/sensed/felt the words (dunno if it's really audible, but God does communicate with me in words).."You don't think that I would answer you when you told that mountain to move?" (earlier in the summer I acted on Jesus' mustard seed promise - that with just faith that small you can tell a mountain to move and it will - and I stood at the mountain of "the county powers that be" and told it "Move"). I wasn't sure if what I heard was really Him or if it was j...

On Friday I volunteered with World Vision at the Barlow Girl/Matthew West/Down Here concert. I wasn't really up for going since I had to be up early to head up to Cleveland to the Yankee Peddler Fest (which was a groovin' time! Thanks, Shari and fam!). I decided to go since I missed BG last time they were here. Volunteers needed to be there an hour before the show to get our bearings. The Underground is a big standing-room only club. All the merchandise tables and the World Vision tables are stationed around the perimeter of the audience area. were were standing outside the WV booth with Erin, the volunteer coordinator (who is married to the drummer in Down Here) and a guy came over and stood next to me. He said "Are these our World Vision volunteers?" Erin said "Yes"...The guy said "You guys are awesome for doing this" then he turned to me and extended his hand and said "I'm Matthew West". Trying to hide being caught off guard (I had...

the addictions training class that we went through for the Growth and Healing ministry we are launching at VWS was a great experience. Linda had us work through some of the steps to give is a taste of what recovering addicts go through on their healing journies. Reading through the AA "Big Book" and working through first 4 steps revealed to me that Gerald Mann was right when he said "Alcoholics Anonymous" is the Gospel in Drag. It totally is...The precepts and principals are identical to Jesus' teachings on right living...Putting God and others first, giving God our junk, serving others, and living one day at a time...It's all there. It also taught me that I was on the right track when I was a teetotaler between the ages 15 and 33...Not that I believe drinking is bad, but because when I look at the traits and family history of the typical alcoholic, I see a lot of similarities in myself. In a lot of ways, before I became healthier and stable with meds, I ma...

This one gets a big Dan "WOW"... Journey with me to the interview I had today! It was with a Preschool which shall remain nameless for its own protection and all names have been changed. :) This lovely Thursday morning, I travelled over the river to the corporate office of the Preschool That Must Not Be Named (Heretofore known as "PTMNBN"). Upon entering, I observe a girl - I am assuming the receptionist - sitting at her desk...but on the floor next to her big comfy desk chair. She is talking on the phone. She is discussing the crap someone keeps pulling, how tired she is of it and what she is going to do to prevent it in the future. She barely acknowledges me. I stand there for a couple of minutes and then another lady comes out of an office behind the front desk. She is quite friendly and introduces herself as Donna. She takes me into her office, confirms my name and asks me to have a seat. "How much time do you have today?" She asks. "I...

Well, it looks like my days of hoping I will get called back to the county have ended. Kathy replied to my inquiry and said that their need for a TA anywhere in the program is looking very slim. So now I must step up my job search. I have been less aggressive in the hopes that my county job would come back for me. It looks like that won't happen this year. :( Maybe my teaching days are over. sigh. What a dream job that was...I wish I hadn't had to get dragged through Covington and grad school to learn that. I'd still be employed because I'd have had my continuing contract at 4 years. Let this be a lesson to all about PRIDE. If you have a job you enjoy with people you like but you think you're too smart to be labeled a "paraprofessional" or think that people don't think as highly of you because of that or envy other people having a real "career", tell your pride and envy to take a hike and do what you enjoy. This has been a harsh lesson for me...

It seems I move more places with my journal on the internet than I do places to live. Oh well...That's the beauty of the internet. You can move around when in real life you feel a little stuck. Which I do feel. I want to do many things but I am fearful and unsure. My typical lot. Scripture says perfect love drives out fear...What exactly does that mean, though? I struggle with this almost daily. I have grown some but fear remains the thorn that keeps me in one place. Like Peter struggled with loyalty and fear, and Thomas struggled with believing without seeing. I know in my head that God loves me and will not forsake me. I am His "Talitha" through Christ. I know this. I don't know how to LIVE it. One day I pray my whole being will wallow lavishly in this truth. Not so I can do whatever I want, but so that I can really know freedom from my own head. And maybe somehow be able to communicate how to live it out. Probably I have too much time on my hands right now. I need ...

I have been thinking of my old friend Ron for weeks now...And I have found him...On Hamilton County's website for current prison inmates...What a sad discovery. Last night I was looking up the photos of the 2 people they caught who broke into our neighbors house. While I was glancing through some of the other names out of curiosity, Ron's name came to mind but I didn't look him up. Who would think to look for a friend in prison? But today as Denny and I were perusing the inmate list "for fun", I saw his name and gasped. I brought up the inmate's picture and it was indeed my old friend Ron. It appears that he us in for theft and forgery. But he has a record of about 10 other incidents mostly for the same things. Funny that God has been impressing on me a desire to do some sort of prison outreach. Now I have a starting place. I am going to send Ron a note. I want him to know that I still think about him and remember him as mine and Allen's "son" (l...