Walking on sunshine with the Shepherd

My top spiritual gift according to my Excavation classwork is Faith. So it stands to reason that this is right where the enemy throws down his stumbling block when he wants to interfere.

Where I struggle the most in my 25 year walk with the Lord is seperating myself from toxic beliefs and lies that are lodged into my head about the nature of God and His love for me. While I could probably never remember all of the things that roll around in the recesses of my mind, I can pinpoint some of them.

-Critical voices from my childhood that taught me no matter what I did it could be done better.

-People in a "spirit-filled" church who represented Christ by alienating my mom after she and my dad divorced.

-A friend attending Bible College who told me a story about God burning 2 people up on the street for failing to do the mission He sent them on.

- A well-meaning friend who told me when my marriage was wrecked by my husband's addiction that "it's not about being happy".

-People in my friend's church who told him he could not have me as a friend because I was dangerous for questioniong some of their theology.

-Critical voices from my childhood that taught me no matter what I did it could be done better

All of these things, though some may have elements of truth, compete with Scriptural images of God as a loving Father who desires to walk with me, care for me and give me abundant life in Him so that I can share that with others.

The first time I experienced what we call 'prophetic' prayer - where prayer team members as God for words of encouragement or edification for the person being prayed for, I went in bracing myself for the words of correction that I was certain I would hear. I felt like a soldier huddled in a fox hole, waiting for the rain of fire to pour down. Instead what I recieved was an outpouring of God's pleasure in me. His love. His desire for me to let Him make me everything I was designed to be.

"Where is the conviction?" I thought. This can't be true. He has to want to ding me on SOMETHING.

But He didn't burn me up, yell at me or tell me where I needed improvemnt. That isn't to say that I don't have any areas in my life that could use a divine touch up. But God knew I had spent most of my life kicking myself in the rear end just to beat him to it. He only wanted me to know how deep and how complete his love is for me. Even with my faults. He only had one request for me...that I simply be still and LET Him love me. I still remember the first time I envisioned myself laying my head on Jesus' knee as he comforted my tired soul. I fell asleep to that image.

This message of grace came at me constantly for months. And while I marveled at the love He showed, I still worried that His grace would not completely cover me. You see, I was both deeply in love with and terrified of my Father. I don't mean a respectful, reverant fear that is in awe of His power, I mean a paralyzing fear that made me spend more time thinking and worrying than serving others, worshiping and enjoying life. It was like a spiritual bi-polar disorder. There are days I'd be so full of the Holy Spirit that all I wanted to do was pray for people. But then like a switch I'd remember that being this joyful isn't really meant for me (remember - it's not about being happy)....Certainly the other shoe will drop and I will once again be on some road suffering. Why wait? I'd tell God I already knew what he wanted to convict me of and I would punish myself so He didn't have to.

Time for the next intervention. God introduced me to a prayer ministry at VWS that specializes in emotional healing (shameless plug for RIPEN and DEEPER). While praying with two of the prayer servants, God gave me a vision:

I was standing inside a dark cavern. After a few minutes I became aware that Jesus was standing beside me. Together He and I walked to the mouth of the cave and as we drew closer light from the outside came inside. Jesus was walking a little ways in front of me. He was dressed in the stereotypical robes with a shepherds staff in his left hand. He continued outside of the cave and stopped. I followed. I stopped almost beside Jesus, but I still hung back a few inches. I realized that we were looking out onto a beautiful, mountainous area with sunshine and trees and blue sky for hundreds of miles all around us. I also realized that there was no ground beneath my feet. But I was standing there as if I stood on solid ground. I was comforted by that and just enjoyed the beauty of the view. Then I became aware of a conglomerate of voices swirling around behind me. They came out of the cave - a dark mass of accusation, condemnation and fear. They buzzed around to my left, distracting me from this time with my savior. Jesus was not looking at me. To my surprise, He didn't offer any words of comfort or cast away the tormenting of the voices. He just looked off to the right. I couldn't see past him but I could imagine what he saw was more beautiful than what was already before me. That was the end of the vision. Jesus never turned to me. But in doing this, he gently communicated a strong message I needed to hear.

He was assuring me that with Him, I am safe. Even if the bottom dropped out of my life, I would still stand because I have accepted Him as my shepherd. He will not let me go. I also know that Jesus will not or cannot cast out the enemy if I don't turn away from the lies and deception that have taken root inside of me. That cloud of filth will continue to pollute the air and sunshine of the rolling hills that God has blessed me with. Until I step up those few more inches to be in line with Him, I will never see what Jesus is looking at on the other side of that cavern. The good news is that I used to be completely inside that cavern. I have trusted enough to follow My savior out of it. Just a few more steps and I will have a new vision before me.