Enough of fixing it
I am in a wonderful, scary, being stretched place right now...It is all about trusting my Heavenly Father and Jesus and the Holy Spirit in ways that I never have. See, I used to have lots of rules and shoulds and shouldn'ts and a well crafted life plans that kept me in this false sense of self-security. In the last 24 months so many things have come in to turn those things upside down to make me look at them in a new way. It's like taking off the float-a-floats and swimming in the deep end. At first I thought I must be under attack from the enemy - and in some ways I was - mostly in the lies that came to mind about who I am and that God was out to mess me up or trick me. But now I am beginning to see
Like being in the middle of chaos all around and God walking in front of me as things crumble around me saying 'look here...Focus...Focus....Eyes on me...Put down the play book and trust me completely no matter what things look like around you...' My theology is being messed with in I think a good way - but also in a scary way because it is exposing some of the subtle areas of bondage that remain in much of mainstream Christianity and Christian pop culture that I used to consume without question because it was labeled "Christian". It is exposing areas where I have judged without a clue, idolized my own "righteousness" and totally missed the point of everything Jesus is about. It leaves me in a place where I want to take a break from sermon consuming and
It forces me to try testing the love I have from my church family because I so often fear that if I don't walk the tow in exactly the same line as the leadership of my church that I will be liked less. I confess, that fear of man thing is a stronghold.
I am growing weary of messages that blatantly or subtly say "there is grace, BUT"...Or "You are free except"....Well, there's either grace or not grace and you are either free or you aren't.
I am tired of the messages that teach that if we aren't suffering then we aren't good Christians. As if we are supposed to wish upon ourselves and others the persecution of the early church because if we aren't then we're doing something wrong.
I am tired of the undercutting, passive-aggressive way that Christian teachers and writers make you feel free but then stick in a message that says 'but just remember if you don't do it this way ypu will miss a blessing'...One of the books that I read about dealing with a porn-addicted spouse basically says at the end "You are legally free to divorce your spouse for this if you find all of this hard work unappealing...But gee, wouldn't you feel better about yourself if you stuck it out and pleased God more by staying?"....WTF? Legally free? I can get a 'Biblical' divorce? And what if I get an "unbiblical" divorce? Will I then be under the wrath of God once again? Where in this very Bible does it say "When all of Paul's letters and the accounts of Matthew and company are written down and canonized this will be your new law book to be used as the worldly justice system uses the constitition"? IT DOESN'T...The Bible is not meant to be what the Church uses it for so often - a tool to keep the masses under their control.
I'm tired of weekly doses of what is wrong with me and the world and how I can fix it. It is like an endless cycle...I feel like a hamster on a wheel, running and getting nowhere. Always ending in the same spot.
Don't get me wrong. I LOVE LOVE LOVE my church and my pastors and their wonderful leadership. I am just in a place where my guts are exposed and I am taking an honest look at the roots of so many of my insecurities.
Like being in the middle of chaos all around and God walking in front of me as things crumble around me saying 'look here...Focus...Focus....Eyes on me...Put down the play book and trust me completely no matter what things look like around you...' My theology is being messed with in I think a good way - but also in a scary way because it is exposing some of the subtle areas of bondage that remain in much of mainstream Christianity and Christian pop culture that I used to consume without question because it was labeled "Christian". It is exposing areas where I have judged without a clue, idolized my own "righteousness" and totally missed the point of everything Jesus is about. It leaves me in a place where I want to take a break from sermon consuming and
It forces me to try testing the love I have from my church family because I so often fear that if I don't walk the tow in exactly the same line as the leadership of my church that I will be liked less. I confess, that fear of man thing is a stronghold.
I am growing weary of messages that blatantly or subtly say "there is grace, BUT"...Or "You are free except"....Well, there's either grace or not grace and you are either free or you aren't.
I am tired of the messages that teach that if we aren't suffering then we aren't good Christians. As if we are supposed to wish upon ourselves and others the persecution of the early church because if we aren't then we're doing something wrong.
I am tired of the undercutting, passive-aggressive way that Christian teachers and writers make you feel free but then stick in a message that says 'but just remember if you don't do it this way ypu will miss a blessing'...One of the books that I read about dealing with a porn-addicted spouse basically says at the end "You are legally free to divorce your spouse for this if you find all of this hard work unappealing...But gee, wouldn't you feel better about yourself if you stuck it out and pleased God more by staying?"....WTF? Legally free? I can get a 'Biblical' divorce? And what if I get an "unbiblical" divorce? Will I then be under the wrath of God once again? Where in this very Bible does it say "When all of Paul's letters and the accounts of Matthew and company are written down and canonized this will be your new law book to be used as the worldly justice system uses the constitition"? IT DOESN'T...The Bible is not meant to be what the Church uses it for so often - a tool to keep the masses under their control.
I'm tired of weekly doses of what is wrong with me and the world and how I can fix it. It is like an endless cycle...I feel like a hamster on a wheel, running and getting nowhere. Always ending in the same spot.
Don't get me wrong. I LOVE LOVE LOVE my church and my pastors and their wonderful leadership. I am just in a place where my guts are exposed and I am taking an honest look at the roots of so many of my insecurities.
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