Why I am at where I am at....
Yesterday I went to see my favorite head shrinker...I have known Dr. V for about 10 years. He rescued me from the craziness that is my brain by prescribing medication to me. I trust this guy. I don;t care that he isn't an outward Christian (I really have no idea what his faith is, but he does respect mine and speaks with me about it often). I just love Dr. V and I believe that God placed him in my life when I needed him.
Yesterday he told me that the hypervigilance that I an experiencing right now is completely understandable. Hypervigilance is: An enhanced state of sensory sensitivity accompanied by an exaggerated intensity of behaviors whose purpose is to detect threats. Hyper vigilance is also accompanied by a state of increased anxiety which can cause exhaustion.
The way this plays out for me is that I am in an almost constant state of fear that everything I hold dear is threatened and/or will be taken from me. I fear that my friends are mad at me, think ill of me, judge me, or are tired of me. I fear that my boyfriend will suddenly realize that he doesn't like me anymore and will leave me. There is no evidence that any of this is even remotely true. In fact, the complete opposite seems to be the case all around. But that doesn't help.
I have tried to avoid making my identity be about my divorce. Because I want to move on. But I think I also want to short cut the processing of everything. And apparently what happened was deeper and more damaging than I want to admit...Even Dr. V - who has been around for a long time in the world of psychosis and drama said that my situation was one of those that has stuck with him and affected him.
I can't lay all of this on my Ex. Through this whole thing I have seen the underbelly and the bondage of evangelical Christianity. And that I hope to never see again. Do not hear me say that I am against evangelical Christianity - I most certainly am not. By and large I still believe that the heart of it is well-meaning. I've just had my eyes opened to some of the subtle manipulation that can happen when Jesus' words that his yoke is easy and His burden light are lost in the fervor to make sure that people still strive to be as holy as they can be and therefore please God.
I don't have the energy to piece together a chronological narrative but I can pinpoint some of the things that left a mark.
-Very early on - shortly after discovering that my ex had been less than forthcoming about his deeds, a wonderful friend of mine came over to speak with me, to console me and to share her story. I know that her heart was right when one of the first things she told me was that marriage was 'not about being happy'...However it was meant, it came off to me that if I wasn't suffering and struggling then I wasn't experiencing real marriage. Those words said to me that no matter how miserable I was, no matter how dead the relationship was, I needed to stick by because God did not intend for my happiness through marriage. Ever one to want to please God (and my friends) I internalized those words. They confirmed for me the lie that had been instilled at some younger age that the hardest road was ALWAYS the road God wanted me on.
I attended one - and only one - meeting of a support group for wives of porn addicts. I left there wanting to shoot myself. It was a room full of beautiful women who were bound to men who were either unwilling to change or who were, frankly, dangerous to the children in the relationships. One woman would have loved to be free from her porn-addict husband who was unwilling to give it up, but she said then the sin of divorce would be on her shoulders. Somewhere, sometime along her journey, someone made her believe that God would rather she live in bondage than be free.
I attempted to read a book for Christian women who were spouses of porn addicts. I could barely get through it so I skimmed to the end where the summary was this: Because of his sin, you have a Biblical reason/pass to divorce your husband. But just know that by doing so you'll be missing out on experiencing the glory of a repaired relationship. Thanks, thanks so much for that bit of manipulation. Go, be free, but wow...You'll be sorry.
A Christian comedian on Facebook posted a status update: "50% of Evangelical Christians think so highly of marriage that they do it over again". Ok, fine. But the responses to this were largely high fives for the comedian's courage in calling out sin in the church. Lots of BS about how perfect and fool-proof their marriages are. How they had it all figured out and that it was about time
Yesterday he told me that the hypervigilance that I an experiencing right now is completely understandable. Hypervigilance is: An enhanced state of sensory sensitivity accompanied by an exaggerated intensity of behaviors whose purpose is to detect threats. Hyper vigilance is also accompanied by a state of increased anxiety which can cause exhaustion.
The way this plays out for me is that I am in an almost constant state of fear that everything I hold dear is threatened and/or will be taken from me. I fear that my friends are mad at me, think ill of me, judge me, or are tired of me. I fear that my boyfriend will suddenly realize that he doesn't like me anymore and will leave me. There is no evidence that any of this is even remotely true. In fact, the complete opposite seems to be the case all around. But that doesn't help.
I have tried to avoid making my identity be about my divorce. Because I want to move on. But I think I also want to short cut the processing of everything. And apparently what happened was deeper and more damaging than I want to admit...Even Dr. V - who has been around for a long time in the world of psychosis and drama said that my situation was one of those that has stuck with him and affected him.
I can't lay all of this on my Ex. Through this whole thing I have seen the underbelly and the bondage of evangelical Christianity. And that I hope to never see again. Do not hear me say that I am against evangelical Christianity - I most certainly am not. By and large I still believe that the heart of it is well-meaning. I've just had my eyes opened to some of the subtle manipulation that can happen when Jesus' words that his yoke is easy and His burden light are lost in the fervor to make sure that people still strive to be as holy as they can be and therefore please God.
I don't have the energy to piece together a chronological narrative but I can pinpoint some of the things that left a mark.
-Very early on - shortly after discovering that my ex had been less than forthcoming about his deeds, a wonderful friend of mine came over to speak with me, to console me and to share her story. I know that her heart was right when one of the first things she told me was that marriage was 'not about being happy'...However it was meant, it came off to me that if I wasn't suffering and struggling then I wasn't experiencing real marriage. Those words said to me that no matter how miserable I was, no matter how dead the relationship was, I needed to stick by because God did not intend for my happiness through marriage. Ever one to want to please God (and my friends) I internalized those words. They confirmed for me the lie that had been instilled at some younger age that the hardest road was ALWAYS the road God wanted me on.
I attended one - and only one - meeting of a support group for wives of porn addicts. I left there wanting to shoot myself. It was a room full of beautiful women who were bound to men who were either unwilling to change or who were, frankly, dangerous to the children in the relationships. One woman would have loved to be free from her porn-addict husband who was unwilling to give it up, but she said then the sin of divorce would be on her shoulders. Somewhere, sometime along her journey, someone made her believe that God would rather she live in bondage than be free.
I attempted to read a book for Christian women who were spouses of porn addicts. I could barely get through it so I skimmed to the end where the summary was this: Because of his sin, you have a Biblical reason/pass to divorce your husband. But just know that by doing so you'll be missing out on experiencing the glory of a repaired relationship. Thanks, thanks so much for that bit of manipulation. Go, be free, but wow...You'll be sorry.
A Christian comedian on Facebook posted a status update: "50% of Evangelical Christians think so highly of marriage that they do it over again". Ok, fine. But the responses to this were largely high fives for the comedian's courage in calling out sin in the church. Lots of BS about how perfect and fool-proof their marriages are. How they had it all figured out and that it was about time
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