Purging the poison
As I adjust to life on my own I am experiencing some crazy ups and downs. Which I guess is normal. But today I feel called to finally lay down what has happened over the last few years so that its damage will not affect what God has in store for my life on all fronts.
When you're married, you're locked into a particular mindset - an idea of the future. And even though it might not be what it should be, it does provide some amount of stability. So when that old, comfortable rug (no matter how bad its condition) is pulled out from under your feet, it turns even the familiar on its end. Through God's divine grace, I have been returned to where I started when this all began. My mom lives in the apartment below, I am single and enjoying the adventure thereof, I have the perfect job. Do-overs are a blessing. However, it is also impossible to pretend that I am the same person I was then. Because there's this span of time that happened. Years given to another person.
I was supposed to grow old with this person. We were supposed to be a team. We were supposed to walk with God together. All the promises, all the dreams. So many things I trusted would at least be worked toward. Instead I found myself living a nightmare that I never saw coming. This is the point where I usually stop and make positive statements about the person so as to protect them to some degree and qualify that I'm sure I was not always perfect...But tonight, I'm not going to. Tonight I am getting up off the floor and saying without qualification, I was lied to, misled, treated like a second rate girl, denied what I had saved myself for and then lied to again. And again.
And
IT. WAS. WRONG.
I will stand beside anyone who has struggles. We all have them. But I will no more excuse outright deception. Evil has to be called what it is.
This person stole from my past but will not steal my future.
I am leaving the burden and the grief here. I refuse to let the sickness of what has been poison what good things God has for me. I will trust God, be patient with His timing, believe in the person He created me to be.
I will live.
And life is good.
When you're married, you're locked into a particular mindset - an idea of the future. And even though it might not be what it should be, it does provide some amount of stability. So when that old, comfortable rug (no matter how bad its condition) is pulled out from under your feet, it turns even the familiar on its end. Through God's divine grace, I have been returned to where I started when this all began. My mom lives in the apartment below, I am single and enjoying the adventure thereof, I have the perfect job. Do-overs are a blessing. However, it is also impossible to pretend that I am the same person I was then. Because there's this span of time that happened. Years given to another person.
I was supposed to grow old with this person. We were supposed to be a team. We were supposed to walk with God together. All the promises, all the dreams. So many things I trusted would at least be worked toward. Instead I found myself living a nightmare that I never saw coming. This is the point where I usually stop and make positive statements about the person so as to protect them to some degree and qualify that I'm sure I was not always perfect...But tonight, I'm not going to. Tonight I am getting up off the floor and saying without qualification, I was lied to, misled, treated like a second rate girl, denied what I had saved myself for and then lied to again. And again.
And
IT. WAS. WRONG.
I will stand beside anyone who has struggles. We all have them. But I will no more excuse outright deception. Evil has to be called what it is.
This person stole from my past but will not steal my future.
I am leaving the burden and the grief here. I refuse to let the sickness of what has been poison what good things God has for me. I will trust God, be patient with His timing, believe in the person He created me to be.
I will live.
And life is good.
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I really am.