Outside the Pigeon Holes

"Every long lost dream led me to where you are Others who broke my heart, they were like northern stars..." The scars are worth what I have found at the end of the broken road. Our God, He is good.

This is something that I have always believed to be a possibility. Despite what my upbringing in evangelical Christian circles has taught me. Despite the idea we all have of perfect justice that punishes the wicked for their heinous deeds. Despite the popular idea that when you die you're SOL if you haven't signed off on your one way ticket to Heaven by accepting Jesus as your personal Lord and Savior. Deep down I have always wondered just how far the love of God will go. If I am to believe that God is all knowing and all powerful, and that His will is for no person to perish, and that according to the Bible, in the end, God's will shall prevail, how can I dismiss the possibility that God would reach into the eternal and rescue ALL of His kids? I've never been one to swallow what I am told without question. In fact many know me to press the envelope and question even what Scripture says. I have never been of the camp that takes every word in the Bible as my author...

Well, I'm not a movie star (yet) but I'm aiming to act like one...I am getting plastic surgery! On February 3rd I will go in for a tummy tuck, rhinoplasty (maybe something MJ), and hell, I think I'll finally dye my hair blond, too! Not fooling anyone am I? Ok, just having this pesky mole removed from my chin. Yay! I already like the doctor. Here was the conversation we had at the end of the consult: ME: About how much will this cost? HIM: You don't have insurance? ME: I have it but it won't be covered since it's elective surgery. There's nothing wrong with the mole. HIM: Well, these things can become cancerous. ME: I have had it looked at a couple of times, they all say it's not anything worry about. HIM: Hm. Well, I disagree. ME: You rock. HIM: I'm the man.

This was in response to Reverb (my Brother from another mother's Blog) - I have just recently begun to take the word 'worship' out of the prison of church land...I now understand that to simply live is worship. I'm probably a day late and dollar short in getting this...But I am sometimes slow... It isn't about getting worked up in the Spirit or raising my hands, or going to some special place to do it...These are activities that I do with my community of faith (or even alone) in a concentrated manner of focus on God. These things are good. These things are fun, I love these things. But they are only one aspect - a formal aspect of 'worship'. And the best worship IMHO cannot be planned or forced. It is not a 'should', it is not something that if we don't work it into our schedule we are somehow shorting God...The best worship I think happens when we don't even realize it...In laughing with friends. In eating a good meal. In slow dancing w...

Watchful, yes...But I refuse to worry...The enemy wants nothing more than for the people of God to be in a state of fear over politics or any other pattern of this world. We are dual citizens RIGHT NOW of Earth (where we have been given reign) and Heaven where we are welcome at all times in the spiritual realm. Papa's storehouses of hope, wisdom, grace and most importantly Agape love are free for the taking to fill up on and pour out. Go get it, brothers and sisters and experience the change in perspective from up there!

Jesus says to come to Him like children...The basic sentiment of this song speaks to that innocent quality and genuine faith that I so often see in the kids I work with and that sometimes rises up in me only to get quickly dashed by 'reality'... Don't Let the World Step on Your Soul (Todd Schroeder, Ron Miller) My God, how new you are Still untouched by time You're breathing every dream Hang on to who you are Create your own design 'Cause dreamers must run to extremes Hey, little one, I can tell your an easy believer And you cry at the sunset While the rest of the tribe calls you fool Your mind will eat humble pie While your hungry heart chokes on the rules But, baby, don't let the world step on your soul. Hey, little one, I can tell you're a new generation in the scheme of creation 'Cause you care about people and pain While all the wheelers and dealers And the prime-timers call you insane But, baby don't let the world step...

I'm seriously not. These are my strengths: Input Communication Harmony Intellection WOO Note that LEADER is not in there anywhere...Nor do I think it would pop up anywhere in the next 3 of my top strengths. But I think that because I am an extrovert and generally not afraid of being up in front of people I am mistaken for a leader. I have mistaken me for one and usually end up over my head and completely ill-equipped to do whatever it is that leaders do...I'm not saying this as a self-slam....Only a self-realization. I seem to always want to lead something...I come up with ideas and visions, etc. And then get overwhelmed by all that is entailed in making that happen and all of that stuff goes way above and beyond any of my gifting. Now, I can lead circle time at school, I can lead a scene in improv, I can sing lead for a band, I can lead a Sozo session. But I'm not convinced that kind of leading is the same as true leadership. That's just strong teaching/act...

Morphing happens to one's goal/dream list as life catapults its way toward one's destiny (mine is Heaven, guaranteed!). Was thinking about mine recently and realized I have met some of them and am getting closer to others and have added some things and removed some things. In no particular order (crossed out = YAY!) 1. Visit Australia 2. Visit St. Croix 3. Teach Sozo 4. Have one week without worry (removed - need a lobotomy first) 5. Grow to a point of complete trust in my salvation 6. Meet a man I can love and TRUST 7. Cut a CD 8. Sing on the VWS Praise Team (removed) 9. Go horseback riding again 10. Knit something ridiculously cool 11. Visit Best Friends Animal Sanctuary in Utah 12. Meet the remaining favorite celebs that I have on my list. 13. See certain loved ones get set free and/or find Christ 14. Sing with David Phelps (even if it's just "Happy Birthday"!). 15. Spend time with Father God, Jesus and Holy Spirit everyday and cu...

It's like I have fought my way through a party full of loud people to finally push through a door to reach a place of quiet. I wouldn't trade attending the party, but it's sure nice to be where I am. I think of the lyrics to the song "Home" from The Wiz . I 'get' Dorothy and her journey in a way that I never have before... Suddenly my world has changed its face But I still know where I'm going I have had my mind spun around in space And yet I've watched it growing If you're list'ning God Please don't make it hard to know If we should believe the things that we see Tell us, should we run away Should we try and stay Or would it be better just to let things be? Living here, in this brand new world Might be a fantasy But it taught me to love So it's real, real to me And I've learned That we must look inside our hearts To find a world full of love Like yours Like mine Like home...

If following my heart makes me a fool, then I'm a fool. Because my heart led me to seek Jesus. My heart tells me to love the unlovable and my heart tells me to risk the pain to find something deeper. Wisdom as it is so often understood has failed me more than my heart and has often imprisoned me in a cage if fear. Perhaps the wise thing is to let the heart and wisdom be intertwined, for God created both and placed them inside of us on purpose. Do they have to be enemies?

Was writing a note to a good friend tonight and ended up rambling some thoughts that seemed like they might make a good blog...So since it has been a while...Here they are...Probably just the same stuff I always say with different words...What can I say? I'm a simple person... :) I'm done with subscribing to any one kind of expression of faith in Jesus...Every move of God ever has been quickly tied down into religion. Even in the subtlest of forms. Something cool happens and it gets bottled, given a name, touted as the missing piece to perfect worship and doing of God stuff, anything prior is pashawed as inferior. I do it, I see every church/movement/denomonation I have ever seen do it....Everyone thinks their way is the best...And maybe I am learning that Jesus loves ALL of it. That he shows up where He is invited by a sincere heart. There doesn't have to be factions and division. It's pride (and I am guilty of it) that kills the heart of love. And I'm sick to de...

I happen to enjoy and find value in many things that probably are not very "Christian"....I like heavy metal music (the non- Christian kind), I like going out to bars, having a drink and singing some karaoke. I love working on theatrical productions and horror films and the USS Nightmare Haunted boat. I once had a blast backstage at a drag show. Yes, yes, I know...I probably should have instead been at church praying for the salvation of all those drag queens....BAD Christian! But you know what I found there? I found a group of people who were enjoyable to be around, who laughed and loved on me, welcomed me in, gave great fashion tips and were fellow performers who I could share backstage stories with. I suppose I could look at it in one of two ways - this welcoming in was a ploy of the devil to tear me away from my Christianity and lure me into a lifestyle of sin and degradation...Or I could see that I spent time with a group of folks who differ from me in some foundationa...

Adventure called and I answered. Stepped from my fears and boxes, Spread my wings - believing again I was Free to fly. But the wind tore at my face. A cold, bitter rain made flight heavy. Lies carefully crafted around truth embedded themselves in my skin And drained their poison into my soul, Blinding me from what was real, Deafening the voice of love That whispered gently, kindly and wisely. Panic stricken I landed, Limping defeated into the Safe, dull security of the known. I turn again to watch braver eagles Swoop and soar above me Taking chances with the rain and wind. Weaving in and out with skillful artistry As if relying on an invisible safety. Faithful it will never let them down. Faithful. Trusting. Fearless. It is a freedom I deny As I chain myself to a prison of safety, Certain I was not meant for flight. Convinced that the longing for adventure Is only a dangerous darkness, Tempting me into too much that is unknown. Too much I cannot control...

Photo borrowed from: www.cincinnatichamber.com I DECLARE A SUPER FUN, SAFE and BLESSED HOLIDAY WEEKEND TO ALL! MAY YOU KNOW THAT GOD LOVES EACH OF YOU EXACTLY AS YOU ARE.... PERIOD. (Thanks, Maria for reminding me of the importance of speaking God's Truth of life and love into the atmosphere!)

photo credit: raphael gerber I was not born to be traditional. There is nothing traditional about me or my life. Never really has been. No matter how hard I have tried to cram myself into that box - thinking that eventually I will get there, I have to come to terms with the fact that God did not make me to be run-of-the-mill. I have a knack for completely obliterating any box that reads "This is what life is supposed to be", "These are what milestones you should have reached by age 40", "These are the kinds of people you should hang with if you're a good Christian girl", etc. etc...Sometimes I look at people who have 'that life' and think I am missing something. It seems like if I had kids or was married or had an income that was heftier that I would then be a real grown up. Then again, maybe that's just a lie straight from the pit of hell...Even though I'm single with no kids, living in a one-bedroom apartment with a menagerie o...

NOTE: Please forgive the horrid formatting in this post...Blogger is screwing up picture placement and spacing and I can't fix it...So, like that last post that had random words in it...Just ignore...SIGGHHH... On with the story.... Not only did I single-handedly carry the 12-ton boxes up the stairs, I also put together my new Ikea computer desk all by my little self...With no cussing and only a few WTF?'s (that doesn't count since it's a question and not a curse).    Destruction Construction calls for music. Pandora Internet Radio set to John Tesh or Yanni works well to keep the nerves soothed. Are you laughing at John Tesh? Shame on you. He is a good Christian man...And he gives free healthy lifestyle tips on STAR 93.3!      Um...Looks like I already violated rule number one...The guy in that picture is obviously not a badass if he has to have a friend help him carry the boxes!    Dinah shows how she matches the Birch Effect color scheme of the ...

A day at the ball park with fabulous people...God rocks! We waited...A nd waited...A nnnnd waited for the rest of our party to arrive. Please ignore the random word 'edit' below (??!)... edit Sara makes contact. "Take me out to the crowd....I don't like peanuts or cracker Jacks...but barbecue chicken and chips will do... " Shiloh on the big screen! I think something was happening here. Sara looking perky. She has the same ass as her mom.. . (it's a Shiloh thing, you might not understand).... Dan...And part of my hand. Yep, I'm a real pro! Jim decided that texting with his daughter was more interestin g than watching the Reds lose again (I myself would never text while sitting with other people...Never. Ever. And I'd never text someone who was sitting right next to me either, that would be silly). What we all ventured down for - Steven Curtis Chapman LIVE! Jumbotrons make for good concert viewing. Oooh. I...

On Wednesday I visited Ikea with my friend Jim. I had never been there before and had no idea that it was actually like an 'experience'...I'd just heard it was a store I needed to visit before I die. I wondered why Maria once said we'd need a couple of hours when we had discussed going a few weeks back. Like any good journalist I documented my visit with some pictures. I would have taken more but I got caught up in the shopping... Me prior to Ikea. Note the innocence in my eyes. Jim is excited to find new stuff for his bachelor pad. He knows the ropes at Ikea. I was clueless as to what I was about to encounter. Wow...It's huge...like a mall...But just one store...That's crazy! Isn't it just a sofa shop? This is where you enter. See, I caught on really fast. An "eProp" computer. Very clever. It's not real. Really. There are couches on the wall. You simply select the one you want and then pull it off the wall and into your cart. A...

Someone asked me today if I thought I was one of the 'good singers' at karaoke and if I would sing to him if he called me (uh...NO)...I figured I'd let him decide if I was a good singer or not since that's a matter of opinion. So I created the following video just for kicks using a track I recorded a few years ago at my friend's studio. I originally planned to use random photos from my collection just to have something to look at while the song played. But of course, I got carried away and invested a few hours into improvising something that had meaning. This is the result. Thanks, Chuck for being the catalyst! LOL!

As I adjust to life on my own I am experiencing some crazy ups and downs. Which I guess is normal. But today I feel called to finally lay down what has happened over the last few years so that its damage will not affect what God has in store for my life on all fronts. When you're married, you're locked into a particular mindset - an idea of the future. And even though it might not be what it should be, it does provide some amount of stability. So when that old, comfortable rug (no matter how bad its condition) is pulled out from under your feet, it turns even the familiar on its end. Through God's divine grace, I have been returned to where I started when this all began. My mom lives in the apartment below, I am single and enjoying the adventure thereof, I have the perfect job. Do-overs are a blessing. However, it is also impossible to pretend that I am the same person I was then. Because there's this span of time that happened. Years given to another person. I was...