Somewhere between pufferfish and eagle
Following is what I wish I could have been able to explain at the end of my Walk to Emmaus (Women's Walk #105 Table of Naomi - clap!) (Disclaimer: I will try my best not to put 'spoilers' in here for folks who may one day wish to embark on this journey but in order to express myself I need to talk a little about what happened).
I first heard about The Walk to Emmaus from my better half, Jim. He was very blessed by his journey and said it was a wonderful experience. I was immediately intrigued, a weekend away focusing on Jesus and having chapel time to meditate and soak in the presence of Papa sounded great. But the more I learned about the way the weekend worked, the more apprehensive I became. Not because I thought any of it was bad, but because of where I come from in my faith journey...Any readers of this blog understand that the Holy Spirit and the love and prayers of my friends have worked very hard to lift layers of toxic faith from my soul. I finally learned the real meaning of grace about the endless, boundless love of Christ, how it had absolutely no strings attached to it. See, I spent much of my 30 year walk with Jesus in a legalistic, compulsive self-examination mind-set. For a while I had to take a break from consuming teachings and books (I am an avid reader and studier) because they led me right back to critical introspection...It is a slippery slope for me. I have become more choosy about what books I read and which teachers I listen to....Deciding that God's grace is enough and trusting that He will guide me each day liberated me from the need for introspection. I focus now on living in freedom, not in sin consciousness. Yes, I make mistakes. Regularly. But my priority in my faith is not to think about how I screwed up each day or if I 'did enough for the Lord today'...That just leads me into self-focus, guilt and shame. I'll probably never 'do enough for the Lord' each day. But I can open my heart daily to recieve His love and share it as I go through life.
I first heard about The Walk to Emmaus from my better half, Jim. He was very blessed by his journey and said it was a wonderful experience. I was immediately intrigued, a weekend away focusing on Jesus and having chapel time to meditate and soak in the presence of Papa sounded great. But the more I learned about the way the weekend worked, the more apprehensive I became. Not because I thought any of it was bad, but because of where I come from in my faith journey...Any readers of this blog understand that the Holy Spirit and the love and prayers of my friends have worked very hard to lift layers of toxic faith from my soul. I finally learned the real meaning of grace about the endless, boundless love of Christ, how it had absolutely no strings attached to it. See, I spent much of my 30 year walk with Jesus in a legalistic, compulsive self-examination mind-set. For a while I had to take a break from consuming teachings and books (I am an avid reader and studier) because they led me right back to critical introspection...It is a slippery slope for me. I have become more choosy about what books I read and which teachers I listen to....Deciding that God's grace is enough and trusting that He will guide me each day liberated me from the need for introspection. I focus now on living in freedom, not in sin consciousness. Yes, I make mistakes. Regularly. But my priority in my faith is not to think about how I screwed up each day or if I 'did enough for the Lord today'...That just leads me into self-focus, guilt and shame. I'll probably never 'do enough for the Lord' each day. But I can open my heart daily to recieve His love and share it as I go through life.
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