A glimpse into the pasta.

Most folks who know me eventually learn that I struggle with what I call "Spaghetti head". It's an anxiety disorder (maybe OCD, maybe Generalized Anxiety Disorder. Who knows what)...Whatever its clinical term, it can be miserable in my brain at times and tends to act up when I am under stress or at um, certain times of the month. Since I just finished a days long bout I have it fresh in my mind so I can maybe help folks understand why I sometimes have to avoid things that I know might trigger one of these episodes.

Here is an excerpt of my thought process from a simple decision about grocery shopping. It's amusing looking back on it. But when it is going on and has to do with issues of more substance it can be exhausting.

I need to go to the grocery store.

I will go to Kroger.

But maybe I should go to Biggs because a couple of times I felt led to go to Biggs and cool stuff happened.

I really prefer Kroger.

But maybe God likes Biggs better. I should always be obedient because if I'm not I'll miss a blessing or something God wants me to do. He might be disappointed if I go to Kroger. Something bad might happen. What if He is protecting me from something terrible that will happen at Kroger if I go there today. Maybe those times I felt like I should go to Biggs were preparation for today.

Helen, it's grocery shopping. Go to Kroger where you know where everything is.

Yeah. Good idea.............

Biggs. I should go there. I mean, why would God lead me to Biggs twice before? Just for fun? Really. He must have a reason for that. If I go to Biggs and something really neat happens, I might have a cool testimony.

Seriously though, I only need a few things and I could be in and out of Kroger in record time. At Biggs I'll have to search for everything.

Being lazy is a sin. I'd rather put aside God's call than take a little extra time going through the store that maybe God wants me to go. How sad is that? If He can't count on me for the little things, how can I be trusted with the big things? There could be someone there I need to see or talk to.

Yo - Helen, stop with the analysis...Go where you prefer.

Well, now 'I'm just hearing what I want to hear. And I want to go to Kroger. So of course I am going to manufacture the answer in my head that I want to hear.

OK, let me just ask God straight...God, where would you like for me to shop?

(simultaneous answers): Biggs. Kroger. Neither. You are free to get groceries wherever and nothing will change between us. Wisdom is in the choosing. Peace, Child.

Well, that was helpful. Forget it I'll effing go to Biggs and maybe everyone will just shut up and I can have the bread and milk I need. Then I will take a nap so my brain will stop.

Did you just tell God to shut up?

No.

Yes you did. You can't be disrespectful just because you hesitate to be obedient....Quick obedience, quick obedience. That's where the blessings are.

Ugh...Ok, this is a spaghetti episode. I'm ignoring this. Lalalalalala...

Mmhmmm, yeah convenient excuse for battling against the conviction of the Holy Spirit.

Yadda
Yadda
Yadda.

Welcome to an everyday task when pasta is happening. If I tried to explain how I process through REAL things, YOUR head would explode....