End of the Line

I've been married for 5 and a half years. The bulk of those have been spent trying to right what went terribly wrong somewhere early in year two. Last night I took a step that leaves both of us reeling. In a moment of insanity - or maybe sanity - after another 4 hour conversation rehashing the same stuff we always do, I said "I'm done. Unless you can convince me that this is the biggest mistake I could make in my life."

For me this means removing my rings and living as if we are going our separate ways. This means no backing down. No fearing. No lolling back into comfort and allowing us to live in stagnation just because it's easier than facing the big split. That's a merry go round we've been on for far too long and it hasn't done either one of us any good.

I hate this.

I hate it.

Hate it.

At the same time I feel a weird, queasy sense of relief.

I don't know what this will look like in the next weeks and months. No clue. I don't know what I am doing or how to go about it. But I have to muster up trust to lean on the One who makes all things new and works everything together for good for His children. Having trust issues is a hard one all around because it leaks into the fact that I so believed that marrying this man was God-led. I'm learning that perhaps I misread some things or missed the still small voice that might have been saying "yes, but wait for my timing".

What good does it do to look back? None.

I have to look forward.

Even if it means forward into a life on my own.

This song spoke to me today in alot of ways...And it became something of a prayer.

I have entered love's asylum.
Stripped of what I thought was real
I pray its more than just illusion.
Can I trust in what your eyes reveal?

The water rises all around me
And the ground shakes at my feet
My worst enemies surround me
And I feel the sun's heat.
The flames threaten to consume me
And the wind howls from behind
But I'd risk everything to know
That you are mine
At the end of the line.

© Phelps/Jones 2008