A pensive goodbye.

We said goodbye to Dave today.

It is one of those days that I'll never forget. It seems to have dragged on. But it has gone quickly at the same time. It has reminded me how short life is. And it has reminded me how much I don't understand life.

So many times today I tried to just return my mind to an understanding that life is simple...We're born, we live, we die. The point is to enjoy it all. But I know that this is not completely true. No matter how valiant my attempts to keep it simple, my brain just doesn't work that way. Like a child who takes apart a toy just to see how it works, I can't stop myself at summing it all up with "Life is short - have a beer." Nice sentiment, I know Dave might have appreciated that. :) But I think he might have agreed that it doesn't suffice.

Today I faced again the contradiction that we seem to live in. Life in this world is temporal. I am taught by my Father not to cling to it because there is much more. Yet I seldom really want life here to end and I mourn for those who leave it. When it is threatened I strive to save it even though I realize that there is life beyond it - one that is promised to be more extravagant and blessed than I could ever imagine. This life is but a shadow of what God promises to have in store.

Maybe that's just it. With all of the evil and pain in this world there is still something beautiful about this place and the people in it. Even this shadow of God's ideal is something to be appreciated and loved and held onto. Maybe the clinging that God discourages is one that clings as if He has nothing more. And he does. More than I can ever imagine. It is something worth giving up everything for.

I am still processing my thoughts on Dave's passing. I don't know if God called him home at this time because it was always meant to be. I don't know if something just went wrong in this broken world and God met him in that tragedy and walked him home - Himself feeling the pain from a world still in the throes of a spiritual war.

But I know death was never in God's will for us. It is a work of the enemy - an echo of the curse from so long ago which still resounds; Because we live in this strange place of the "already and not yet" of Christ's victory. The war was won but the battles still go on until the last day. How do I wrap my mind around all that?

It reminds me how small I am in comparison to all of the universe. It forces me to either trust God or depend on my own understanding. Considering that leaning toward human thoughts and the devil's deception was what led to the reality of death in the first place, I choose to trust God.

But my heart still hurts. And I still wonder - did this really have to happen?

Comments

Unknown said…
Well said Helen. I'm sorry for your loss. For the world's loss. It seems that we can't make sense of it. I pray for healing and faith and joy and belief in the risen Lord to help you with your pain. Much love and hope....Jenny
4:30 PM
Helen Ann said…
Thank you! I needed that.
7:05 PM
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